Ask Buck…
Jan 25, 2012 at 10:54 pm in Ask Buck, Dating / Sex, Relationships, Sportin' Bears by Buck the Bear
Dear Buck…
I have a question and a problem.
It’s my ex. We were together for 6 years – on and off. It was never an easy relationship, and we fought like cats through much of it.
But our love was passionate, and through it all, we cared for each other.
It’s been a little over a year since we finally called it quits, and we’re still good friends. I love him, but as a friend now.
Here’s the problem. He’s very co-dependent, and he’s already shopping for a new Mr. Right. But he seems to have the worst taste in men, and I’ve actually interceded a few times because I could see, from the start, that the guy he was seeing wasn’t right for him.
I want him to be happy, but if he shacks up with some loser, it’s going to end badly, and I’m going to be the one he calls at 3AM; to cry on my shoulder.
How can I steer him away from the bad apples and help him find somebody decent to share his life?
Concerned in Kansas
Dear Concerned…
You… need to get a life.
Your ex- is a big boy. Let him make his mistakes.
Finding Mr. Right involves kissing some frogs. If he falls for the wrong frog and wants your help sorting out his love life (or the remnants of it), he’ll ask for it – yes, even by calling you, and crying on your shoulder at 3AM.
That’s what friends do.
So be a friend to him; and butt out until he needs your help.
______________________________________________________________
Dear Buck…
I’m 22 years old, I’ve met somebody special, and I want to introduce him to my family.
Here’s the problem. They don’t know I’m gay.
I’m 6’4”, 330 pounds and I play college football. I went to college on a full athletic scholarship, and I know my family has dreams of me playing professional football.
I love football, but I want to be happy in my personal life, too. And I fear that coming out will kill my chances for a professional sports career, not to mention what it will do to my family.
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and all I want to do is spend time with my boyfriend, because that’s what makes me truly happy.
Please help.
Anxious in Arkansas
Dear Anxious…
I can’t tell you when to come out of the closet. You have to do it when it feels right for you.
I will tell you that living honestly and openly about who and what you are can be epic and liberating. And not having to hide or disguise everything great about your personal life feels really, really good.
If you really love this fella and you see a future with him, it’s natural to want that share that news with your family.
But this is really a two-step process. Hitting your unsuspecting family with a one-two punch, like, “Here’s the deal. I’m gay. And, by the way… this is my boyfriend.” all at once might be a little much.
Just a teensy weensy bit.
Then again, there’s a school of thought that might suggest, “They’re probably going to be in shock anyway. Plus, if they try to deny it, with the ol’ “No, you’re not.” – the boyfriend factor should eliminate that objection, right?”
Still, I’d come out, first. Gauge their reaction to the news that you’re gay, before you subject your boyfriend to the experience, because nobody can predict how your family and friends will react, when you say those words, “I’m gay.”
They might react negatively or even violently. Or, as I just mentioned, they might deny it. Denial is a quick defensive maneuver. “No, you’re not. Your Uncle Rick likes Madonna, too. That doesn’t mean you’re gay.” (Again – this might be a convenient time to mention the fact that you already have a boyfriend.)
Prepare yourself for each scenario, including the one where they might need time away from you to process what you’ve revealed.
They could react with total shock. Or, their reaction might, instead, shock you.
“Of course you are. We’ve known since you were 8 years old.”
That happens sometimes, and everybody heaves a sigh of relief that you’ve found the courage to face what everybody else has known and acknowledged, but not talked about, for a long time.
As for football… is a career in professional sports your dream? Or, is it your family’s dream for you? Is your personal happiness and fulfillment worth more than the possibility of that career?
You have a world of soul searching to do, young man.
Lots of people argue for and against staying in the closet. But they’re not you. They don’t share your situation or the dynamics of your family, friends, and professional aspirations.
Sooner or later, if you want to live openly and honestly, you will take the plunge and come out of the closet. Understand that, when you do decide to “have the talk” with your family and friends, there will be uneasiness and anxiety. If you wait for it to be comfortable, you’ll never do it, because it never will be “simple” and “comfortable.”
Only you can determine when that time is right, and only you can assess when your truth is worth the risk.
Good luck! Let me know how it goes!
Another good helping hand from Buck.
i agree with johnny
As always Buck, you hit the nail right on the head with both answers! As for Anxious…..Coming out is a very personal thing, and each and every persons journey is different. What worked for one may not work for another. But in the end, when all the dust has cleared, you will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. In my own personal journey I gave up a career path that would never allowed for me to be out as a Gay man, for sure not in 1976 when I came out, and probably not even now. I wish things had been able to be different, but I made the choice of not hiding myself from my family and friends. The thing is, I have never regretted that decision, because I would never have been happy living in the closet so I could have had the career I wanted. Things are different now than they were then, and recently some sports stars have come out. But in the end, it’s your journey and your life, and you need to do what makes you happy.
Anxious- Break down your goals into little pieces. You met someone special. You want to introduce him to your family- then do it. You don’t have to go into every little detail of the specialness of him- that can come with time. you want to have a professional footbal career. Then try for that. You don’t have to hide your orientation from the world but you don’t have to shout it from the rooftops. Again, little steps. Define yourself how you want to and on your own timeline.
I’ve been bisexual. I’ve been homosexual. I’ve been gay. I’ve been queer. I’ve been a fag. And today I don’t identify with any of them. I am what I am and share what i want to share. Does my family know? Yes, nearly every one of the stages I mentioned. Yes, it is a weight off the shoulders. But I also don’t let my sexual activities define my professional life or other aspects of my life. If parts of the ‘gay’ life or certain ‘gay’ things don’t ‘fit’ you. then don’t own them.
So break it down into small goals. Make sure you know why you have those goals. Will they enrich your life? Or is it some prescription from outsiders? Define yourself and your outness.
Sorry. I don´t speak english!
Like “Anxious in Arkansas” I didn’t come out to my family until I had met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I approached each family member individually, starting with the one I thought would be most supportive (she was). The way I put it was, “I’m in love, and it’s with another man.” Most of the family were concerned primarily with the health issues (this was 1983). My father asked me what I felt for my man, and when I told him, he simply said, “Yep, that sounds like love to me.”
To Anxious: I didn’t come out to my family until i was in my mid to late twenties. I feared losing them. Didnt have to worry though! My mom already “knew” she said and “that you love your children anyway no matter what”. My brothers really didn’t care! the oldest, when told, said “hi homo” im your brother Jim” and shook my hand. So for me the experience was a lot better than i had anticipated. You have to figure out what is important to you. When you do, you will know when and what to say to the family. If you have siblings, try coming out to one of them first. That way you will possibly have someone there to help “hold you up” if and when you decide to tell the rest of them. As for friends…well they aren’t a true friend if they cant see past your queerness! You’re still the same person they’ve always known. Some may need a little time to adjust but thats life. I wish all the luck man!
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